The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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