i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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