My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
