If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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