I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
