Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
