You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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