If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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