Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We had sex on a dog bed..
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
