I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
