He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
