I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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