So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just found puke in my bra..
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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