Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my phone needs a breathalizer
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
