Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
