between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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