i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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