I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
