He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
If I die, sorry about rent.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize