Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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