He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize