You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
