Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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