FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
