he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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