so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize