Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
