Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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