I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
