Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
