Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
