That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I haven't been this sober since birth.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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