i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
