I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
