here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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