the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
