I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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