im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
