Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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