My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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