I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
