Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
