I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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