with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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