Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
