sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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