Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
