Buhtt sex?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
