I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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