What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
