for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hippo gnu deer
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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