I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
wat bout pragnant strippers??
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
