i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
