I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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